little boys are so cute and so terrible! I imagine one of the joys of having more than one kid is watching them torture each other.

Changes

Yesterday was a day of massive nerves and anxiety. I had a great 4 mile recovery run in the morning, but it didn't help - just seemed to fuel the fire. I met with R-, we wrote our agreement, and then I went to meet his business parter N-. There I sat, by the pool at his Uptown mansion, taking dictation for an email worth $4 million. Then I went back to work, gave my unofficial notice and made my boss cry. Yoga on the bayou made me feel much better: a simple reminder that at every moment everything is changing, and every moment is a beginning and an ending. S- and I went for a quick run on the bayou - our first run together - and then went home.

Although I was in bed by midnight, I slept right through all my alarms and didn't get out of bed until almost 9am.

I have never had this much change and upheaval in such a short period in my whole life. I'm trying to take it in stride, but I think I just need my own routines - I need something to be the same for a little while. I need my crossword puzzle in the morning and to sleep alone and just take it easy.

And yet, S- is freaking me out. My vacillation in feeling for him scares me too - I know he's the best man I've ever had. He has everything I have wanted. But at the same time, when I've been with him lately it seems as though all I can see are the things I don't like. The goofiness, childlikeness. As Natalie has said, I want a Man in my life, not a little boy. I am very conscious that his absent mother and my maternal complex are a good match.

But I need a mother too. I need someone to take care, and help and encourage and support. And it's almost as if he does that too much. Perhaps I don't believe anyone who is as positive and polyanna-ish as he. Makes me think he's just crazy. I need to know he has doubts and insecurity, since that's what makes him human. And yet, I've seen far too much of his humanity lately, and it's almost repulsive.

I do not know why I'm all of a sudden keeping him at arms' reach. I do not like how much he shares with me. I think, in all reality, we do not know each other to be as intimate as we are.

But I don't want to ruin a great thing.

Am I repeating past mistakes?

Doubts

So in the midst of everything in my life coming together, everything is changing. I have met an incredible man, who most of the time I am crazy about and falling in love with and can't wait to see and get to know. I have a new job, that was just confirmed, that might just be my dream job - it's exactly what I asked for many years ago: to create the theatre community I want in the city I love.

And after a roller coaster day yesterday that was incredibly busy and exciting and exhausting and that ended really beautifully with S-, today was an odd day. I started to back off, generally, when I woke up this morning. Maybe it's just that I've been stretched to the limit. Maybe not sleeping for days and working and everything that's been happening is just overwhelming and exhausting.

This afternoon I got really anxious, like I haven't in years. I had a fantastic run - nearly 5 miles on the TM, watching goodfellas, and I hit my high somewhere around mile 2.5. Showered, got dressed, having plans to go see S- and meet some friends and take a field trip to a local glass blowing studio. But by the time I got to his house... I was hesitant. I was disconnected. I wanted to go home but didn't feel like I could.

I sat on the kitchen floor loving the dog and watching him make dinner - but it was dinner I didn't want. He said salad. That's not what there was. And as I sat on the floor I got more and more sad and worried about him and us and everything and work, and realized that it wasn't about him: it was about me.

I was sad and overwhelmed and anxious. I am nervous for the change. I am sad to leave the place I work now: 5 years is a long time to be anywhere. The people I work with are like a family to me, and I'm afraid I will lose them in this transition. I have already lost the family that was here before the storm: what if I lose them too? What if it doesn't work with R? What if he works me too hard?

What if I'm not good at this? What if I can't meet his needs?

What if I let S- down? What if he isn't the one? If he isn't I may never find it.

I am afraid to find things that bug me about him. He is like a little boy sometimes - he jumps the gun to relationship - he is fascinated by stupid things.

And yet: there are so many really perfect things about him and us together. I am afraid of it being this good - what if it's false? I am afraid the job is not as great as I think?

When did I get to be this happy? I have the overwhelming fear that something really terrible is about to happen.

Twitterpaited

When do you know when a person is the right person?

Is 11 days long enough?

Expectations

So I met a new boy. Well, re-met, really. Long story, not worth telling.

But he's 25. Which is a WHOLE year younger than I am, which is totally ridiculous I know. I have grown so used to dating men at least 4-5 years older than I am, so the prospect of dating someone younger just seemed... uninteresting? I figured we'd go out, and at some point I would freak out, run away, convinced at his emotional immaturity. So what if he owned a business and property? Just because he had his finances together didn't guarantee anything else.

At 26, I have grown old, and cynical, and set in my ways. I have hidden myself away in my little cove of a house that I love so much, keeping myself safe from the surprises that life has to offer. I've been trying to control the amount of the unexpected, the multitude of change.

I was wrong.

I finally realized what I have been afraid of in losing weight is NOT, after all, being thin: it's simply changing. It's not knowing how I will have to adapt and adjust to a different size and shape, what else will come, what kind of attention (or not!). The fear of the unknown.

And with S-, I think it is the same. I am afraid of what I do not know, at the same time that I am excited and atwitter. I have grown so adept at protecting myself from that fear that I have built all sorts of mechanisms: cynicism, negativity, judgment. Why expect any person to be more emotionally equipped than the last? Why expect that anything I do will have an effect, if it so rarely does in this world? The naïveté I had as a younger woman was a blessing in that regard - because that youthful energy DID things, MADE change. I still do things, just much more quietly.

Maybe its time to turn up the volume.

Lynn at Liuzza's

She beats her boot against the chair leg and tries not to sing depressing songs. Three false starts and a home run.

She's in love with this guitarist, and she's slept with nearly every guitarist in town. But she just can't kick the coke or him. Still her voice cranks out like a hot summer afternoon; hot, sultry, and loud as hell.

Overheard at the Gym

One naked 60+ lady to another:

"Even the strip clubs have good music!"

Only in New Orleans. God I love it here.

Nuns, Religious, and Rousseau

The corner of Nuns and Religious street.

These are real streets in New Orleans. Who knew?

The real question, is how did Rousseau get mixed up in all of it?