Doubts

So in the midst of everything in my life coming together, everything is changing. I have met an incredible man, who most of the time I am crazy about and falling in love with and can't wait to see and get to know. I have a new job, that was just confirmed, that might just be my dream job - it's exactly what I asked for many years ago: to create the theatre community I want in the city I love.

And after a roller coaster day yesterday that was incredibly busy and exciting and exhausting and that ended really beautifully with S-, today was an odd day. I started to back off, generally, when I woke up this morning. Maybe it's just that I've been stretched to the limit. Maybe not sleeping for days and working and everything that's been happening is just overwhelming and exhausting.

This afternoon I got really anxious, like I haven't in years. I had a fantastic run - nearly 5 miles on the TM, watching goodfellas, and I hit my high somewhere around mile 2.5. Showered, got dressed, having plans to go see S- and meet some friends and take a field trip to a local glass blowing studio. But by the time I got to his house... I was hesitant. I was disconnected. I wanted to go home but didn't feel like I could.

I sat on the kitchen floor loving the dog and watching him make dinner - but it was dinner I didn't want. He said salad. That's not what there was. And as I sat on the floor I got more and more sad and worried about him and us and everything and work, and realized that it wasn't about him: it was about me.

I was sad and overwhelmed and anxious. I am nervous for the change. I am sad to leave the place I work now: 5 years is a long time to be anywhere. The people I work with are like a family to me, and I'm afraid I will lose them in this transition. I have already lost the family that was here before the storm: what if I lose them too? What if it doesn't work with R? What if he works me too hard?

What if I'm not good at this? What if I can't meet his needs?

What if I let S- down? What if he isn't the one? If he isn't I may never find it.

I am afraid to find things that bug me about him. He is like a little boy sometimes - he jumps the gun to relationship - he is fascinated by stupid things.

And yet: there are so many really perfect things about him and us together. I am afraid of it being this good - what if it's false? I am afraid the job is not as great as I think?

When did I get to be this happy? I have the overwhelming fear that something really terrible is about to happen.