Been awhile

It's been a while, ladies and gentlemen. I am officially between jobs at the very moment - an odd feeling which is partially freeing and partially just feels like the weekend. As if, every weekend we are between jobs. I am still worried about the place I just left, and thinking about the job I start tomorrow.

I dreamt last night that I went to a party with S-, and his friends A&S. We were dancing and I thought we were going out dancing. We ended up going to this smallish house, and I was sent into the back room to sit with the kids and play this bizarre game with dice and whatnot. It was a kids game, but it was young adults playing as well - I finally just got up after not really understanding the rules and not really caring to. Told S- I was leaving, then walked through the back alley to another house. I thought I had been there before,and I was there with my father. It was like an antique/junk house, but things weren't so cluttered, and there were all sorts of different things all over the house. From music to books, to handmade cigar-like boxes with names inscribed on the front to clothes to .. all sorts of things. It was more like a treasure hunt than an antique store. Or an antique store with only the things I like in it.

I dreamt too about work, and JF sent me an email wanting a connection from my new job - which seemed ridiculous. It seems that many people have been showing up out of the woodwork looking for some kind of connection - but I suppose that is a blessing and not burden.


S- is laying a responsibility on me about his lack of communication. That's a harsh way of saying it - but it is pretty true. I have set that boundary gently but firmly, and hopefully he will understand all I have said. While I love him and I do have a maternal part of me that he needs, I also need him to be able to express himself as himself. I believe in independence, in a huge huge way.

But as for me... yesterday at lunch all I wanted to do was go have sex with J. Isn't that bizarre? I think it was simply the great desire for something comforting and comfortable. By the time I was done at work the feeling had passed, and S- and I had great sex that was just perfect. But in a way, his writing me today that I didn't ask about his trip on wednesday taints the entire evening. As if he was thinking about it the whole time. He gave me some good advice about Roger, and we were able to diffuse what he was afraid would escalate into a fight - his tone was very aggressive and accusatory which made me defensive.

It's interesting - do we always focus on what is wrong? What we want to change? Isn't that part of our nature, constantly trying to improve things? While it is very healthy to be able to sit back and enjoy something lovely for what it is, isn't it also just as important to be able to know you can improve upon it? Or is this just the rat race at it's worst.

Off to the farmer's market and to have a day of my own to be "fresh" for tomorrow.