Giving up?

So after nearly three weeks of deliberation and trying and weeping and feeling lousy, I sent a massive text this morning: "I think I'm going to quit my job."

I feel like I've surrendered. Half of me. The other half asks "why should I be miserable?" Yes, I have to find a better way to deal with conflict and be less sensitive, especially at work, but nobody said I had to be miserable doing it.

And at the same ironic time, knowing I'm willing to quit makes it easier to go in today. Almost lets me off the hook: whatever happens happens. And you can't change a situation until you can see it for what it is.

R has a way of disarming me. I'm afraid to talk freely to him - I'm constantly on guard. A lot of that comes from getting such a harsh email from him after the first day of trying so hard to please him.

Maybe the problem is that 90% of this job is about making him happy, and I simply don't care to do that anymore. I stopped kow towing to people who were hurtful to me a long time ago. Or at least I made a promise to myself that I would.

And while its terrifying to set out on a new path (again!) and not knowing what the next stepping stone is, I'd rather be happy and confused balancing on one foot looking, than miserable and mired.

Or I'm making a huge mistake and will default my mortgage and be living in a cardboard box within a year. There's always that.