I Thought I Was Ready

So the boy left me last week. I wish I could explain it, or go into more detail, but that's all that happened. We were together, and in the beginning it was beautiful. And then... it wasn't. It's stopped being. He lost interest. And it's not anybody's fault, I guess, but it sure as hell feels lousy. As I said to my mother "I just want a break. I've done all this work, and everybody tells me I'm great - so why does this keep happening to me?"

Last tuesday morning, he found time in his busy schedule to see me and tell me it was over. We exchanged belongings, and I commenced weeping for a week. Made it through the weekend. He was out of town. He sent me a text message over the weekend, asking how Friday's services (yom kippur) were. I thought "What's going on here? What does he want from me?" Maybe he's missing me, maybe something's changed again. Maybe...

Not. On Monday, we had a frightening exchange, in which it was clear that the opposite of love really is indifference. Getting together "just isn't a top priority" for him. So when I told him to lose my number, he said "What if I have questions for you? What is this, a one-way street?" Yes, I said. When you lose 5 pounds and cry every day for a week, then we'll talk about one way streets.

And Monday Sucked.

And Tuesday was hard.

And today, Wednesday, at lunch, I was talking about him/it, and realized that it simply is what it is. I keep realizing this. I keep realizing that there are all sorts of explanations, the most likely is that he had too much to handle emotionally and so just cut some of it out. I felt the same overwhelming way - but instead cut out the job stress instead of the love stress.

In the end, he made his choice: and it wasn't me.

So I was feeling good at lunch, although on Monday I deleted him from my life: my myspace, facebook, gmail chat, phonebook... I didn't burn things, and I don't return gifts, but I have tried to clear my consciousness of him.

I thought I was ok. And then I looked at his myspace, and wondered what he was "anticipating" and became terrified it was another woman: had he moved on so quickly? He had "meetings" tonight and tomorrow: were they dates?

Why am I still so wrapped up in this?

Clearly I was wrong for him, and therefore he for me - whether right now or ever, it doesn't matter because right now is all I've got - but why is it even more devastating when someone could move on so quickly?

Devastating.

And I don't even know if he has.