dream. Changed my own oil. Grate for house and earring. Saw chris, couldn't help ourselves. He came and left.

'what do you intend to do with the property once you demolish it?' 'throw it away.'

smart and final. Faster donuts. And ugly everything.

perfectly coifed poodle with perfectly flumoxed owners. LAX is an asylum.

me neither, i say. What's that about?

what do people have against reality?

'i don't think it's over,' J says to me. A republican can be converted. I don't want it to be over, I say. 'i don't know what that's based on,'

Last night was fantastic. Went to meet friend B, who I haven't seen in forever, then a cocktail party/meeting for my new job. Saw a guy I went to high school with who I've had a crush on since he lived across the street from my ex. Wore a killer mini skirt, and my legs looked great and I looked great and felt great and was workin' it and... I was on the way home and J called, turns out he had tickets to Kermit's birthday party at HOB. Went there, rocked out, danced, saw N, who bought us a beer. I was at home in bed by midnight and thrilled.

Today, I was tired and sad and dropped right back down again. The drinking is something, for sure. And I didn't really eat dinner. And forgot my meds this morning. I'm still thinking about C-, but manage to restrain myself from calling or texting or whatever. I can make it until Jan 1. Or whenever.

And I'll have a party for Endymion. And everything will be great - but DAMNIT, I find myself waiting for something, and feeling not quite right, instead of just being happy with where I am and what I've got. Why must I always look forward to something? Maybe my brain just needs a nap.

Hibernation

What a bizarre weekend. I should focus on the people and the time that made me reassured in the great friends and friendships I have. And the honesty of the people in my life. J and S are so terrific... and we had the best Saturday night ever.

But then the party for J on Friday, and girlfriend J took a comment the wrong way and... I just don't want to deal with it?

And yesterday I went to go watch the stupid football game with stupid C... And then sweet little R came in, in her little santa hat and arm warmers and all of a sudden it became very clear what was actually going on here. And he started seeing her before we "broke up" and when I realized THAT at 1am after waking up from the vague drunkenness, boy was I furious. Texted him, and he called. Twice, in his defense.

And he apologized. And should he get a gold star? I told him it wasn't smart for me to be friends with him now. Which it isn't. It might not be smart at all for me to be friends with someone who either "doesn't have the balls, or isn't grown up enough" to do the right thing. Which was to Tell me about her before I met her in a bar.

And he told me I did the "right" thing - which was to stay and be cool and whatever and not leave and blah. Fuck that, frankly. I probably should have left, should have gone off to whole foods, except I was so drunk by that point..... And I did go back to see the other boy, to flirt with him, but he was 100% and he could see it all over me or us or whatever. "I would have flirted with you, but I'm very bad at it, and there's clearly something very Weird going on here that I don't want to get into the middle of." "Me neither," I said.

And I forgive C, sure. As I told him, I forgave him as soon as I could tell him I was angry. But it might not be smart to have a friend who'd do that? He doesn't think about other people? Is that it? Is he just so selfish that there's no consideration at all? Perhaps that's it. Regardless, right now, the negatives are outweighing the positives. It's no fun to compete with another girl when I already know I've lost.

Especially when she's an idiot who doesn't know that the Red Sox can't play the Saints, or that Minneapolis is in Minnesota. Are you kidding me?

And yet, she's got "Namaste" as her religious beliefs on Facebook, and I did like her, she's a sweetheart and ... but, c'mon. Indianapolis. The name of the state is right there.

Oh, and did I mention I was his 50th, and "the best sex in recent memory?" Fuck that, man. Fuck that.

Letting Go

So this I don't understand.

I spent 2 weeks trying to play it cool with C. I knew he wasn't the cats pajamas, but I liked him and liked spending time with him. I knew it too, when he wasn't treating me right, and somehow avoiding me and ... And when we had the conversation 10 days ago when I said "If you want to see me, see me. If you don't, don't," I barely heard from him for a week. That was a pretty clear message to me, right? Right. I knew it was over. It was just a trial, and it was clear that we weren't right.

And then a week later, I ran into him at a bar on my side of town, and we hung out and had a great time, but when he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me goodnight... I turned the other cheek, as they say. He tried to go in again, and said 'C'mon, gimme a kiss." I simply asked, "Why?"

I was furious that he had left me hanging for a week. I'm still angry he didn't realize that would hurt my feelings. The non-kiss did make him call me, and spit out the scary words "Let's just be friends." I'm great, he says. I'm fantastic. He loves how we are together. He's just "Not ready."

I said I respected that. And I do. And when he asked me to lunch the next day, I told him it wasn't a good idea. And it wasn't. And it wasn't a good idea for me to go over there today.

And damnit, it's not a good idea for me to still be texting him all day. Do I need the drama? Is that the way this is? Do I need something to be thinking about? Do I need a BOY to be thinking about? I guess I've always had it... since I was in Kindergarten, I can almost trace for you the crushes and the "this is who I was thinking abouts." And the relationships, failed though many of them were.

I'm secretly hoping that now that we aren't dating, we'll both just be ourselves. And ironically, let our guard down. Which I sorta have. I guess it's incredibly dangerous to do that when he probably isn't. Since that's what he wasn't ready to do. And that's clear.

I do want to help people. And I do like him, and I do think it's important to help people through what I went through. I wanted to help J.S., would have helped S-, and here comes this next one. No, I don't want to change you. I just want you to be who you are.

That may be the problem. How could I possibly know who any of them were? How could I know who C is? He may not even know. And maybe Brother J is right: Maybe there is this penumbra; but that just makes me hope he's on the cusp of it.

It is so easy to stick around when you already know what's going to happen. I already know it's not going to work, so I'm somehow safer with the devil I know. I've grown so used to having the secret hope - and kidding myself into it.

But it makes me so sad to have to let go of it.

take me as i am

RAAAAGH!

I am so tired of this. I'm so ANGRY. I'm frustrated at everybody for getting their panties in a bunch about NOTHING.

The girls are freaking about what the musical will be, when I've got bigger fish to fry.

Every time I come into ex- ex-work, they seem to be afraid that everything will fall apart without me. I have too many responsibilities to hold their GODDAMNED hand anymore!

I have eight lists running in my head, and the stupid boy is STUPID and I probably should just fire him and move along.

The fact of the matter is, he doesn't express his feelings for me in a way I get. Maybe that will change? Maybe not. After feeling frustrated and left in the lurch all weekend (and him waiting for me to say something?), I laid out the: you don't fuck me, you tease me, and you don't call. So what should I think? Really, should I just assume you like me because you grace me with your presence? How fucking delightful of you.

Maybe J is right, maybe I should just cut him loose if he can't appreciate what he's got. Or doesn't care to spend time with me. She's right: I deserve someone who, even though he has plans, wants to see me the rest of the time. He asked me what I meant by "casual dating"... "If this is casual dating..."

But we're also talking about a man who's never been in a relationship longer than 6 month. He doesn't know what that means. 6 months is his version of serious. Don't know how much credibility I can give to someone who's not stuck around past that point. Even if he has been betrayed. Perhaps the women he dated went out in search of what they weren't getting from him?

Maybe I do want his validation. Reassurance. I know that I deserve what I asked for yesterday, and frankly I shouldn't have had to ask for it.

And I just went on a tour of a building that I don't think I'll work on. Or work in. I think they need someone over my head, and I don't believe in raising money for an artist zoo built by people who DO NOT live in reality.

And my Grandmother died today.

Better stay away from people I like.