Letting Go

So this I don't understand.

I spent 2 weeks trying to play it cool with C. I knew he wasn't the cats pajamas, but I liked him and liked spending time with him. I knew it too, when he wasn't treating me right, and somehow avoiding me and ... And when we had the conversation 10 days ago when I said "If you want to see me, see me. If you don't, don't," I barely heard from him for a week. That was a pretty clear message to me, right? Right. I knew it was over. It was just a trial, and it was clear that we weren't right.

And then a week later, I ran into him at a bar on my side of town, and we hung out and had a great time, but when he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me goodnight... I turned the other cheek, as they say. He tried to go in again, and said 'C'mon, gimme a kiss." I simply asked, "Why?"

I was furious that he had left me hanging for a week. I'm still angry he didn't realize that would hurt my feelings. The non-kiss did make him call me, and spit out the scary words "Let's just be friends." I'm great, he says. I'm fantastic. He loves how we are together. He's just "Not ready."

I said I respected that. And I do. And when he asked me to lunch the next day, I told him it wasn't a good idea. And it wasn't. And it wasn't a good idea for me to go over there today.

And damnit, it's not a good idea for me to still be texting him all day. Do I need the drama? Is that the way this is? Do I need something to be thinking about? Do I need a BOY to be thinking about? I guess I've always had it... since I was in Kindergarten, I can almost trace for you the crushes and the "this is who I was thinking abouts." And the relationships, failed though many of them were.

I'm secretly hoping that now that we aren't dating, we'll both just be ourselves. And ironically, let our guard down. Which I sorta have. I guess it's incredibly dangerous to do that when he probably isn't. Since that's what he wasn't ready to do. And that's clear.

I do want to help people. And I do like him, and I do think it's important to help people through what I went through. I wanted to help J.S., would have helped S-, and here comes this next one. No, I don't want to change you. I just want you to be who you are.

That may be the problem. How could I possibly know who any of them were? How could I know who C is? He may not even know. And maybe Brother J is right: Maybe there is this penumbra; but that just makes me hope he's on the cusp of it.

It is so easy to stick around when you already know what's going to happen. I already know it's not going to work, so I'm somehow safer with the devil I know. I've grown so used to having the secret hope - and kidding myself into it.

But it makes me so sad to have to let go of it.