Tonight

Tonight I officially became grownup.

I went out with friends, and had three glasses of wine.

And after three glasses of wine and more dinner than I should have had, I was still far too toasted to drive. Too toasted to walk, even, really. Not that I couldn't walk, I was just far too tired.

So I took a taxi.

And tomorrow I'll walk the 2 miles to my car, and I'll call it exercise.

When did I become a grownup?

Dream

So I officially quit the new job. And realized how good a salesman my boss is. But I still stayed strong, and thank god I had talked to my folks, including dad who predicted the exact tactic that R- would use.

But don't forget the dream that he talked to the "higher ups" and then went back to 30 days. Said it wasn't reasonable for me to only do two weeks.

This man is not to be trusted - my subconscious knows it, and knows he is a controlling manipulator. It's not a healthy relationship for me, and I'm out. 2 weeks and counting.

Giving up?

So after nearly three weeks of deliberation and trying and weeping and feeling lousy, I sent a massive text this morning: "I think I'm going to quit my job."

I feel like I've surrendered. Half of me. The other half asks "why should I be miserable?" Yes, I have to find a better way to deal with conflict and be less sensitive, especially at work, but nobody said I had to be miserable doing it.

And at the same ironic time, knowing I'm willing to quit makes it easier to go in today. Almost lets me off the hook: whatever happens happens. And you can't change a situation until you can see it for what it is.

R has a way of disarming me. I'm afraid to talk freely to him - I'm constantly on guard. A lot of that comes from getting such a harsh email from him after the first day of trying so hard to please him.

Maybe the problem is that 90% of this job is about making him happy, and I simply don't care to do that anymore. I stopped kow towing to people who were hurtful to me a long time ago. Or at least I made a promise to myself that I would.

And while its terrifying to set out on a new path (again!) and not knowing what the next stepping stone is, I'd rather be happy and confused balancing on one foot looking, than miserable and mired.

Or I'm making a huge mistake and will default my mortgage and be living in a cardboard box within a year. There's always that.

Dreams about Controllers

I had somehow become involved with a controlling, abusive man. I realized I couldn't go anywhere without his permission, and he had cut me off from all my friends, etc. He was a polygamist, and was physically abusive to his other, smaller girlfriend. I watched him throw her from the roof of where he kept us.

I finally realized that the only way to get out was simply not to come home at night. I was allowed to go out for work, and I just didn't go back. I was terrified he would hunt me down and find me, and I did everything in my power to stay away from him. My car was towed because of a neighborhood parade, and then I ran into like a surrogate family... they took great care of me, and offered to drive me where I needed to, and then their car was also towed. We also had to go downtown to get the cars out - but when we got there, hundreds of people were ahead of us. I realized it was the beginning of carnival season, and the city was ramping up for it.

In the end, it turned out this man was some sort of religious fanatic - they had started a sect of episcopalianism or something equivalent that was very exclusive, rude, elitist (white), but also tortured people and animals - animals especially. They killed small animals, kittens and cats, for the sport of it, after very arbitrary selection.

I could see him from far away after I left, but I was genuinely afraid of him, and afraid of what he might do to me. And I couldn't believe I had gotten into that situation - because he seemed so kind in the beginning and did all the right things.




How scary is it, after 2 glasses of wine, that your mind combines the two frustrating relationships in your head and brings them to their worst possible end? Although, the good news is I did get out, despite the loss of control (car).

It all works out in the end.

Boundaries

So six weeks into a new relationship and 2 weeks into the new job, I'm learning the importance of No.

But it's more complicated than No. KLC had a great way of phrasing with her own nightmare boss: "If I take on this project, then I won't get X done." Makes it a lot easier to give them a choice rather than an ultimatum. What a brilliant idea.

So "I can't give this much and not get in return. My feelings for you might change if I keep this up."

and

"I won't be as effective in this position if I don't have downtime."

Been doing well enough, and laying down the law with R helped, of course I didn't do it in the best way. With S- it's harder. I don't want to leave him alone, because I know he needs someone, and I have to admit I need to be needed. But I also need to be able to relax, let go, and give my stress away. He has too much of his own to take it.

Even though I've backed off, and told him I would back off, but I'm still leaving presents on the stoop. It's partially because I know he needs it. But also because I want him to work through this and get back to me. I can't make him change. And I know he wants to change; but I can love him, I guess.

Just lately, I haven't felt like I loved him so much.

I love that the palm trees on carrollton arc away from the oaks for light. How did i never notice that before?

Writer's Almanac August 7

"The bachelor"
by Leslie Monsour
from The Alarming Beauty of the Sky



No family pictures on the wall, no books,
A drafting desk, a travel magazine;
No children, one divorce, a satellite dish—
A cold, efficient exercise machine,

And in the corner with the firewood, stacks
Of videos. The fridge comes with "lite" beer
And non-fat milk for the granola stored
In jars. I've looked, but there's no sugar here.

Platoons of running shoes camp by the door;
His Boston fern, neglected, pays the price;
His one unfriendly cat purposefully saunters
Across the threshold, searching hard for mice.

As he begins to age, and his gray beard
Inaugurates the thinning of his hair,
He'll pale with each sensation in his chest,
Each flutter, every pain and numbness there—

No cardiologist, nor any chart
Will ever find the trouble with his heart.

Been awhile

It's been a while, ladies and gentlemen. I am officially between jobs at the very moment - an odd feeling which is partially freeing and partially just feels like the weekend. As if, every weekend we are between jobs. I am still worried about the place I just left, and thinking about the job I start tomorrow.

I dreamt last night that I went to a party with S-, and his friends A&S. We were dancing and I thought we were going out dancing. We ended up going to this smallish house, and I was sent into the back room to sit with the kids and play this bizarre game with dice and whatnot. It was a kids game, but it was young adults playing as well - I finally just got up after not really understanding the rules and not really caring to. Told S- I was leaving, then walked through the back alley to another house. I thought I had been there before,and I was there with my father. It was like an antique/junk house, but things weren't so cluttered, and there were all sorts of different things all over the house. From music to books, to handmade cigar-like boxes with names inscribed on the front to clothes to .. all sorts of things. It was more like a treasure hunt than an antique store. Or an antique store with only the things I like in it.

I dreamt too about work, and JF sent me an email wanting a connection from my new job - which seemed ridiculous. It seems that many people have been showing up out of the woodwork looking for some kind of connection - but I suppose that is a blessing and not burden.


S- is laying a responsibility on me about his lack of communication. That's a harsh way of saying it - but it is pretty true. I have set that boundary gently but firmly, and hopefully he will understand all I have said. While I love him and I do have a maternal part of me that he needs, I also need him to be able to express himself as himself. I believe in independence, in a huge huge way.

But as for me... yesterday at lunch all I wanted to do was go have sex with J. Isn't that bizarre? I think it was simply the great desire for something comforting and comfortable. By the time I was done at work the feeling had passed, and S- and I had great sex that was just perfect. But in a way, his writing me today that I didn't ask about his trip on wednesday taints the entire evening. As if he was thinking about it the whole time. He gave me some good advice about Roger, and we were able to diffuse what he was afraid would escalate into a fight - his tone was very aggressive and accusatory which made me defensive.

It's interesting - do we always focus on what is wrong? What we want to change? Isn't that part of our nature, constantly trying to improve things? While it is very healthy to be able to sit back and enjoy something lovely for what it is, isn't it also just as important to be able to know you can improve upon it? Or is this just the rat race at it's worst.

Off to the farmer's market and to have a day of my own to be "fresh" for tomorrow.

Sleep is a magical thing.