I Thought I Was Ready

So the boy left me last week. I wish I could explain it, or go into more detail, but that's all that happened. We were together, and in the beginning it was beautiful. And then... it wasn't. It's stopped being. He lost interest. And it's not anybody's fault, I guess, but it sure as hell feels lousy. As I said to my mother "I just want a break. I've done all this work, and everybody tells me I'm great - so why does this keep happening to me?"

Last tuesday morning, he found time in his busy schedule to see me and tell me it was over. We exchanged belongings, and I commenced weeping for a week. Made it through the weekend. He was out of town. He sent me a text message over the weekend, asking how Friday's services (yom kippur) were. I thought "What's going on here? What does he want from me?" Maybe he's missing me, maybe something's changed again. Maybe...

Not. On Monday, we had a frightening exchange, in which it was clear that the opposite of love really is indifference. Getting together "just isn't a top priority" for him. So when I told him to lose my number, he said "What if I have questions for you? What is this, a one-way street?" Yes, I said. When you lose 5 pounds and cry every day for a week, then we'll talk about one way streets.

And Monday Sucked.

And Tuesday was hard.

And today, Wednesday, at lunch, I was talking about him/it, and realized that it simply is what it is. I keep realizing this. I keep realizing that there are all sorts of explanations, the most likely is that he had too much to handle emotionally and so just cut some of it out. I felt the same overwhelming way - but instead cut out the job stress instead of the love stress.

In the end, he made his choice: and it wasn't me.

So I was feeling good at lunch, although on Monday I deleted him from my life: my myspace, facebook, gmail chat, phonebook... I didn't burn things, and I don't return gifts, but I have tried to clear my consciousness of him.

I thought I was ok. And then I looked at his myspace, and wondered what he was "anticipating" and became terrified it was another woman: had he moved on so quickly? He had "meetings" tonight and tomorrow: were they dates?

Why am I still so wrapped up in this?

Clearly I was wrong for him, and therefore he for me - whether right now or ever, it doesn't matter because right now is all I've got - but why is it even more devastating when someone could move on so quickly?

Devastating.

And I don't even know if he has.

Thing that fall together unexpectedly also fall apart.

only in new orleans do you see the musician-coffee shop owner you know riding a vespa with his legs crossed

Labor Day

This is back to old times. Fo' sho.

Yesterday morning, my good girlfriend S calls me and says she wants to go out to breakfast. I oblige. Nothing like a good omelet first thing in the morning to start a holiday.

So she comes to get me, we go to this great little breakfast joint, and run into her personal trainer, who consequently joins us. We all talk about how everybody is depressed lately. (Sidenote: a friend tried to convince me this had something to do with Saturn today; not that it has anything to do with the 2nd Anniversary of the Thing).

At the end of breakfast, S says, c'mon, let's go to the beach.

I told her before I wasn't going, but something about that moment... "Sure. Vamanos a la playa."

So we hop in the car, about 10am, and drive to the beach. Florabama, specifically. Because Pass Christian is just a little too close.

We get to the Florabama bar, have some lunch, and go out to the parking lot where we run into fellow New Orleanians, in full costume. They're 2-degree friends of S, and therefore mine. So we chat with them, exchange some Hot Damn and Pucker, and then offer to us our own costumes! S takes the sailor suit, I take the prison stripes, and off we go. Santa, Security guard, Boy Scout, escaped mexican, and then prisoner and sailor. The Security Guard dug himself a hole in the sand, while the sailor built a sand sculpture of Santa.

Ahhhh. Vacation.