Decisions

For the first time in my life, I'm actually dating more than one guy at a time.

So the trick here is: Is it possible to give honest attention to more than one person at a time? Is it possible not to favor one over the other? That seems to be the real issue.

I find myself favoring one over the other, only to be disappointed. C & I watched the Red Sox sweep the series (Woo Hoo!) on Sunday night, had an outstanding time, and I think all is well and good. At the end of the night we both want to hang out more, so I spend the night, although we do not Do It. And I'm thinking... OK, this just might work. And then I think "Poor B, (who I met on Saturday night), who I think thought I really liked," but A is enough to give him a run for his money.

Let's be frank: B picked me up at a party: he saw something he wanted, an went to get it. There is something very intoxicating about being pursued so adamantly... about a man who takes you to an upstairs bathroom only to pull up your dress and try to have sex with you on a stranger's vanity. I mean, third base is one thing... but I know better than to ruin a good time with a one night stand, right?

That, and I didn't have protection in my purse, and I made H a promise.

And in B's defense, C was in the same position... well. Except we were laying down. Both boys get to third base... but I behave myself. And let me just tell you, C gave some pretty great head for a 26 y/o: enough to make a girl want to go out with him again, for damn sure. He did all kinds of great uterine massage... Let's just say the boy's got skillz.

But back to the matter at hand: both boys waited the prerequisite 24 hours to call me, although plans with C for yesterday got wrenched over and over again. And now I'm going out with B tonight. How do you carefully tell a boy that you already have another date?

No matter what, I'm still afraid of being forgotten or overlooked. Still in my head rumbles around this idea that if I just "do the right thing" the boy will like me. I know I have to be ME, but the game is part of the game.

Perhaps the game just has to be the FUN of it, no? Halloween, here we come!

Chuck Perkins

Heard his spoken word on WWOZ the other day, and while this isn't it, it gives you an idea. Just wish artists like this would come back to New Orleans.


Chuck Perkins
New Orleans

If your American dream is painted on a canvas
Neatly folded in the corner of Andy Warhol’s mind
New Orleans is a hurricane beating down your coast

If you close your eyes
And feel the easy ride
Of the St. Charles Street Car
Where a solo tuba
Blows the scent of magnolia
Down narrow streets
and everyone plays possum with the heat
and no one’s too big or too small
to paint their tongue with a snowball

where former slaves pay homage to the first Americans
by masking in suits of rhine stones and bright colored feathers
that transform security guards into Indian Chiefs
doing rain dances on Congo Square
where the drums drum
and the wine drink
and the big chief sing
somebody give me a quarter
cause pretty big chief want some water

if you can envision the souls of yesterday
living in the music
that rises from the cracks in the sidewalks
New Orleans is your dream
With a heart as soft
As the spanish moss
Dripping from centuries old oak tress

She’s a pretty face with dirty feet
The good witch of lake Ponchartrain
The spice god of shrimp and crawfish
Keeping the spirits fed

Communities of windowless monuments
Masquerading as cemeteries
Tower above ground
No earth or worms to cover the flesh
No silver bullets to turn out the spirits
That still dance with her

Spin your umbrella
And wave your bandanna
It’s Mardi Gras time
And everybody’s happy

Armed with a blue print of civilization
The new world stormed in
With enough asphalt and cement
To pave a boulevard back to Paris

the spirit of the swamp still hasn’t submitted
Leaving mildewed kisses of disapproval
On every thing foreign to the wet lands

Catholicism could not turn out the spirit of Marie Laveau
The wrecking ball could not turn out the spirit of Storyville
And death could not turn out the spirit of Louie Armstrong
When yesterday hangs on to forever
Tradition is a temple.

Chuck Perkins

I'm in a hurry.

The problem with being in a hurry is I'm not ready. I had that final realization over the weekend: I'm not ready to meet someone new. I'm not totally ready for a job that will take over my life and be "the most fulfilling thing ever." The last time all that happened I got pretty overwhelmed and nearly had a little breakdown when it all came crashing down.

When S- left, I was crushed. I cried for a week. I didn't eat, and then I did again. Isn't that always the way? Once I got far enough away, I started meeting new people. Jumped right back in again. And now, I've got these poor boys stringing along, getting to know me and whatnot, and I'm really just foundering a little.

There's B-, the accountant. Sweet as can be, but also young and overzealous - moreso in his general life than with me. So that's fine. He knows what to say, right down to the textbook "you look cute today." It's like being back in high school a little. But he's cute, and he likes me, and I like being around him. It's nice. The attention is nice.

There's C-, the .. I don't know what he does, actually. He loves music and the red sox. And we were supposed to get together, but then we didn't, and I since realized I'm not ready and the prospect of going out to meet someone new.. well. I'm tired.

Then there's P-, who is out of alphabetical order. He's asian, and repairs saxophones, and so far seems very funny. Which we like. We like funny. But he's a little older and JP is the only asian guy I've ever been attracted to... and well, he's only half-asian! Both C and P are match guys... so I haven't actually Met them, yet. But they seem like fun, I guess.

Maybe that's all I want right now; and what i"m drawn to. Fun. I'm terrified I'll get attached again, so scared to be hurt, or to lead someone on the way S did with me. He didn't intend to - he had all the best intentions, really - but he did. He ended up saying a lot of things he didn't mean in the end, or he didn't know he could mean. And I'm learning that I develop emotions about everybody I meet. I could Not do that, as J recommends, or I could simply come to terms with it and accept it and learn to live around it. Or with it.

And I can't get my hormones on track and work is hard and life is harder and I need to get paid. Guess I'm just bitching today, huh? I guess that's why I write it down. Need to get it out.

The short story is: I'm trying to give myself permission to simply live my life, without expectations. Make the best decisions I can right now, and find a way to live according to my own internal ethics. It's the only way to really be both successful and fulfilled, I guess.