Impatience

I'm tired of waiting for everything!

But it's not really that. I spent all day yesterday on my way from one thing to another. I have felt overwhelmingly lately like I am living in limbo, in the midst of life, not able to exhale. My anxiety level rises, and I get crazy. Is it just hormones? Is it the holidays?

I suppose it could always be both. I am tired of trying to figure out what it is, though, since knowing doesn't always help. It's half the battle, yes, but the other half is DOING something about it. And that is how I have felt helpless lately.

C- is ... fine. You date a boy for a month, and you don't know a lot about him. I feel like he knows even less about me - and it's partially because he doesn't ask. He's either waiting for me to volunteer information, or he's not as interested as he pretended to be. In so many ways there are so many good things about us - but it is the Us I'm unsure about. I feel like I can't let go around him. I feel always on my toes which makes me much less interesting than I think I am naturally. I'm afraid of being wrong - afraid he'll call me out or walk away or .. any of that.

I think he and I are both afraid of what might come. Doesn't mean that WE are what might come, but if the sex is any indication... And i continue to be fascinated that he's dreaming about me. I haven't been tracking the dreams of late, but I'm pretty certain he's not been in any of them.

I feel like I'm living with 4 lists, slowly figure out which to do, what to prioritize. And the thing is, I'm not unhappy. But I have been anxious. And Anxious is my 2nd least favorite feeling, second only to depressed.

I think, in the end, I am not spending enough time with myself, for myself. Cleaning the house was a great effort and great energy. And the car. And I'm really proud of myself for maintaining that.

I have not spent enough time with myself. Writing. One must write. Even if it's only little bits here and there for myself. I think I may return to writing the novel. Perhaps I will write each chapter for a different man I know, with all their bizarre makeup.

I am stretched far with all the things I'm doing, and it's going to work, I'm just not being patient enough with myself. I keep expecting myself to know immediately, to adapt immediately, to respond immediately. This is a learning curve, with all of this. And it's ok for me to not know what I'm doing just yet.

baby and her sister. So tiny but confused the two. Sweet angels.

Dream

It was opening day at the race track. I had friends who worked there, and I walked down the day before, and snuck in - I may have even climbed through a window. I kept walking around pretending I belonged there, but afraid I would be found out. I think I may have been, in the end. I was talking to my friends, and watching them set up... all of that. They were getting ready for an art opening.

What about S's mom? I saw her... my ex's mother. From 2 years ago. She's crazy, to say the least, and was as much of the reason I left him as anything else. She was yelling at me; it was as if I was in trouble for something. She bought blinds? I had to return them? I don't remember the details.

Then we went to the art opening on the day of - I ran into my best from K. C dated her in highschool, so it was a slightly awkward situation. Years have passed, all of that, but it's still odd. K walked in with her "new husband" (who is not her husband - they were the perfect suburban couple instead of being who they actually are). K was pregnant - very pregnant! I realized how long it had been since I had seen her. I walked out of the room, and walked back in to see C laying across a table, or a bench, head rested on his hand, lounging sideways. He was wearing a hawaiian print shirt and striped pants - the loudest of island wear. He was talking to K and her husband, just cutting up. I was embarrassed of him, and wanted to rescue them from him.

Then I went to a party that T&A were hosting - it was out on the gulf. There was some sort of boat being raffled. I went swimming in gulf and got perfectly sunburned - it was in a perfect U shape around my chest - but it was because of the water?