What I've Been Up To

I sent Gatsby an email with the following pictures (identity blocked to protect the innocents):











The title of the email was "What I've Been Up To." The Bathroom Demo, of course, speaks for itself. The other photo, however...

Harold Pinter once wrote a play called Betrayal. They made it into a movie in the 80s that I've never seen, but I did a lot of work on the play when I was getting my acting training. I will not give the whole thing away, but there is a very pregnant scene in which a man makes a pass at his best friend's wife.

About 3 weeks ago, before all the Gustav nonsense, and in the midst of some other craziness, I kissed one of my closest friend's husband. While she and the baby were asleep in the next room. Drunk though I was, I wouldn't have had to be drunk. He neither, from what I gather from other conversations and g-chats and whatnot. His wife has even referred to me as his "Second Spouse." She has one too.

And I let it go that far, and I let him kiss me and we kissed again. And it was great. That's the horrible thing. I have "borrowed" him and their daughter at least twice, and it's nice to live vicariously through someone else. It's nice to have a husband and baby and dog and house and life, if only for one night.

But before I could spiral downward into a self-centered blaze of shame, Little Baby got sick and went to the hospital. Thank heavens I'm not superstitious, so I didn't get the idea in my head that me kissing her father had made my little darling sick. But the thought did, obviously, cross my mind.

So then the hurrication, and my Second Spouse makes out with one of his wife's co-workers. She sweet, but young and oh so slightly awkward. After some prodding, and obvious admission, My Friend gets it out of him. And he feels guilty and so she in turn tells him she has kissed Her own Second Spouse AND her High School Ex-Boyfriend. And yet Husband doesn't mention me to her? No need to, I don't think. But all the same...

Drunk though I was, I went home that night and emailed him: "I cannot be alone with you until I have met someone else." I know part of it is having the attention and attraction of someone I find attractive. And it's also being able to live a fantasy in real life, and in a semi-safe place.

And that's the rub, I think. SS is safe - a way to try out all the things I want without having to commit to them and give anything up. Like my freedom.

But I would be lying if I didn't think sometimes that he and I are better practically suited and we both have acknowledged that, tacitly. Is it just my own need to be better than...? Do I really think I could do a better job than she is doing? Not really the way I want to be thinking about my friends. She is, after all, one of my closest friends. Right?