Here it Comes Again...

This familiar feeling. The "I'm done with that," feeling.

My feeling rotates with this one - I remember going through it with him a year ago. He was fascinating and fun and all sorts of things until he wasn't, all of a sudden. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I was vaguely annoyed and did not trust it or thought there was no validity. I have been pushed too far, somehow.

And while it is nice to know that he will understand; or accept it, or whathaveyou... it is still a very disconcerting feeling. Perhaps I got wrapped up in all this, and (certainly) I jumped the gun - just a week ago I thought I had a crush. How did I jump to having a boyfriend who comes to parties and whatnot?

I suppose it is good to be reminded that we never grow out of this, of the feeling. I was never certain to begin with. It hasn't been certain here.


Here's another possibility: I'm integrating all the events that have transpired, and after last night and a strangely unfulfilling sexual experience... Maybe that's just a great big clue to me. I am, of course, concerned it was predetermined, based on my own fear of becoming my mother.

But the fear, of course, is that no matter what I do I will be her. Maybe that's true. How horrible would it be, really?