Dreaming: Tired and Overwhelmed

I don't think I am, or I certainly don't feel nearly as tired nor as overextended as I did two weeks ago, but my dreams say otherwise.

For two nights I have dreamt about being overcommitted. Last night, it was school and running late. Two nights ago, it was still school, although I had so many "extracurricular" commitments, I had to let some people down. I had bailed entirely on my schoolwork, having a typical anxiety dream about taking a final exam in a class I hadn't studied for or even attended in Months. This is a regular dream for me - showing up for class, or suddenly realizing that I am still enrolled in a class I mentally checked out of months before.

But also two nights ago I dreamt I was exhausted, the whole night. I went from one place to another, so tired - just how I felt weeks ago. Except then I remembered, in my dream, that I had been diagnosed and treated for some form of cancer (a kind of lymphoma, I think). No wonder I was tired! I was sick. And on top of being sick, I was in treatment which made me sicker and more tired and... Sweet J- was there, and was taking care of me, but mostly just encouraging me to keep doing, and disappearing when distracted the way only J- can.
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I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little baffled by these two nights of recap. I was beginning to feel like I was getting better, both at not overcommitting myself AND and at adjusting to my current schedule. And obligations. Perhaps it was having my review on Tuesday -

Damnit, my boss is ridiculously demanding. She is almost absurdly demanding. I have never Not excelled, and I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't her as opposed to me. Her standards are so ridiculously high, I begin to wonder: if I can't meet them, who can? It's quite a conundrum. I also came from a work environment that was so laid back and accepting, that I wonder if I ever have been in an 'appropriate' situation. And, again, Boss says that she is hardest on me because she sees the most potential in me. And while I accept that I have room for improvement and all that, I wonder how "fair" that really is. Actually, I know it isn't fair. Perhaps its good to have someone believe so much in you - she is trying to groom me to take over for her while she's away. This is a bit of trial by fire in this year, and talk about a year of growth!

I always excelled in school, and perhaps this is why I keep dreaming about school. I am so used to doing so well, that in the times in my life when I have not done well it's such a blow to my identity and my ego that it feels like a little "failure" even when it isn't.

I am slowly learning to ask for what I need. I need the YLC to pay for my phone bill. I need a raise. And I need WATS to be over so I can focus on where my real strengths lie. Perhaps that's the rub - I was hired to do something that does not accentuate my true strengths. Or I was hired to do something without the support I need.
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And then there's Gatsby. After a lovely Friday night/Saturday, I have not heard from him. And he's going out of town this weekend, and Damnit, this game is no fun anymore. I'm past this point of disinterest or waiting or whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. Shit or get off the pot already. And while I know there are all sorts of extenuating circumstances... Tough. I'm too good to be ignored, or allowed to fall by the wayside. As Alton said in the coffeeshop, when I said I was seeing someone, He is a Lucky Man. And if he doesn't know that, shame on him. And if he knows and is unable to express it, double shame.

Some grand romantic gesture? Maybe not, but a phonecall or a thank you note would be great. Any gesture at all, really.

A Day of Rest

I've been resting all weekend, really. Watching tv, cleaning a little, but mostly just lazing about. I watched good will hunting yesterday, Men in Black today. Why is it that I only watch movies I've seen before?

Today has been a typical day when I didn't quite know what I wanted to do. The days have just flowed from between my fingers, and yet the weekend has seemed to last forever. All day Saturday with Gatsby doing a lot of nothing set the pace. It was pretty lovely to just lay on the sofa and nap while he read news. And eat egg salad sandwiches. I just wish we had spent more time having sex. But perhaps that's a part of having a relationship that's beyond sexual. I mean, twice should be enough, no?

I've spent the rest of the weekend having imaginary conversation with him, and getting advice from other people about what to say and what not to say. Or whether to say anything at all.

I am in love with him, I think. I don't know what to do with that information at all. I thought I was old enough to not fall in love with people who didn't love me back. And yet, this whole situation seems like more than I've ever had to handle before. Maybe it's that he's the first "equal" I've really dated. The first one who I really liked for who he was, rather than who I wanted him to be. He is not perfect. He is not the most moral or ethical person. And he is not as generous as I, or altruistic, or romantic as I might have otherwise hoped.

J- may be right, there is never a point of no return. Or the first point is the point of no return.

I'm not sure what it is that I want, though. That's what's fascinating. I don't care, really, if he's my "boyfriend". I want him to call. I want him to make the efforts as often as I do. I want him to make plans. I want him to prove to me that there's something bigger going on here. I wonder if, looking back on that first silly horoscope interpretation, it's not true - we need to not have any expectations of each other.

I want some great romantic gesture. It's amazing that just the kiss of my hand at dinner seems like almost enough.

Dreams of Flying

I keep having dreams that I'm going somewhere. Far away. Two nights ago I was going to DC for fun, but then forgot to book my return flight, then forgot I had plans with Gatsby so had to come back for the night. Then I was in the airport and had neither my itinerary nor my boarding pass. I had to go back for all of it, and then my whole family was going to Egypt or Marrakesh or somewhere far away, and the man at the currency exchange was the only one who knew anything. But he stepped in and helped me and got me straight and gave me cash and dinner.

Last night I was going to... Mexico via Canada? Who knows, I certainly didn't. I had to connect in NC and then the west coast, and I was on my way to Vancouver when I realized I didn't have my computer. So I just went home for a second; except home was my bedroom on Zimpel, just as it was before we moved out. I kept making connection after connection. But when we flew into Canada, just as you crossed the border, there were fields and fields of poppies. They were so beautiful.

Last night, I was going with the flow. I was okay that I didn't know quite what the next connection was, or when it left or if I was going to make it. I thought I'd just get bumped to the next flight. Two nights ago, I was freaked out.

I'm still not sure what this is about today. Maybe everything. I am on this path, lately. It's been very clear that I am in the midst of a journey, a growth - learning to balance and how to be. Without my medication, it gets much Much more complicated, and that's clear.

And some days I freak out because I don't know my current itinerary, or even trajectory. Then other days, like today, I am totally calm and cool with not having a plan or an agenda and just being, and enjoying it. I sat on the sofa with Gatsby today until 5pm, doing a lot of nothing. And it was lovely.

I am falling in love with him, and that's a trajectory but I haven't the faintest clue about the destination. Or even the itinerary.

The Conversation

I almost had The Conversation with Gatsby, but he shut me down. I called before my dinner plans on Tuesday night because I realized I didn't want to talk about it on Friday and ruin our dinner out. But I was also avoiding it and wasn't making time to have what was becoming an important Conversation. The "What is this, and where is it going?" Conversation.

I just wanted to get it out of the way, so I called and asked if he could get a quick drink. He just woke up from a nap, he said. So instead, I brought over a bottle of bourbon. We chatted, made small talk while he made a manhattan.

I finally just said "I want you to stay." Or Maybe it was "I don't want you to leave." Bless him, he led right into "Well, after this morning's interview, I may be next great shipping magnate of New Orleans."

He dodged. He totally dodged it. Which was brilliant, because I drove over there thinking "This is going to ruin the whole thing. All the fun will be gone when I know exactly what is happen. But I need to know...."

At the same time, he told me everything I needed to hear as other conversations progressed. In the course of all that:

"I'm the most passive aggressive person on the face of the planet"
"This isn't just a sexual relationship"

And when I said, as we were falling asleep (so much for dinner) "You're going to break my heart" he said:
"I don't really think so."
"Well, I do" I said.


J's explanation for this is that he sees me as Strong, so doesn't think such a thing is possible. My current take: he likes me. He'll keep me, for now. Which, ironically, is how I feel.

Maybe I'll care at some point that I tend to be the one to make plans. I tend to be the one who calls. I tend to make the effort. As J says, Free milk is Free milk.

Fears and Fantasy

After my bizarre dream the other day about Board President making strange advances and listening to me bitch about my project leaders, just got word from a friend that his wife speaks very highly of me. I've never even met her!

So that's good news.

I took a long tiring run, then worked in the garden, and am exhausted. The exhaustion is leading to sadness, unfortunately. I'm not as sad or overwhelmed as last week, but I'm also back on meds and halfway through my period.

Gatsby's parents have been in town. And he graduated from business school yesterday. And I have no idea what's going on now, except that (yet again) after a week of being ok with not seeing him, I really want to again. His mom is still here, although the rest of the gang left today, I believe.

After being pushed in all sorts of directions by so many people... I really like him. That's not news, really, but it makes itself more and more clear. I don't want him to leave New Orleans; I was, in fact, so excited by the prospect of him having an interview in New Orleans that when I told J- and he teased me by saying "You love him and you're going to marry him," I couldn't do anything but grin stupidly.

I have all sorts of fantasies about what the future holds with this thing. I don't want him to be a "boyfriend", because I fear that makes me complacent and expectant and I'll lose the excitement and fun we've had. But I want to see him more often, and I want him to want to see me more often.

It was the other night, sleeping with him, and suddenly understanding when an ex- said one night that he loved the way my breath smelled. I love the way Gatsby snores, and how his breath smells and how he cuddles the bottom of my feet with his. Love the way he always holds me when we're sleeping; if I roll over so does he. And I think he did genuinely like the handkerchiefs, although even if he didn't he faked it pretty well.


I'm trying not to let my fantasies of the future get too carried away. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't falling in love with him. I almost want him to leave New Orleans, or leave me, or tell me he doesn't want kids - just because I know its easier to walk away now than later. Not inviting me to meet his parents almost let me off the hook... and I guess I'm still afraid to put my foot down and ask the real questions and hold him to something. Ironically, I'm afraid if I do he'll reject me outright: much more frightening than the implicit rejection of not introducing me to his parents. I still don't trust him further than Brunch, and that's a problem. I don't know if it has anything to do with him, or if it's all me.

Since the last two men I've dated haven't wanted me when they got close. And yes, in hindsight, I don't want to be with them either. Looking back, I can't even imagine WHY I would have.

And maybe I'm still looking in the wrong places......

Anxiety Dream. Just Maybe?

I came home, and the fleas had led to caterpillars, spiders, roaches, and the occasional scorpion in my bed. They were behind the mattress, so I could theoretically sleep in it, but..... I went searching for bug spray. Everywhere. Didn't want to leave the house, and started searching. Married Young Mom E- came over, I asked her if she had any - I think I didn't want to buy any. Something.

In the midst of all this, the sun is coming up, and people are all over the neighborhood. They start just coming in the house, and I spend the next two hours keeping people out of the house. They sneak in anyway they can, including climbing under concrete to slip into the front room (different house, obviously). I stand on them, do anything I can. They are fearless and impossible to reason with.

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So I guess I'm anxious. The bugs are thematic for me; just under the surface and I can't find a way to kill them. Not sure what all the people in my business are... except trying to serve too many masters. Perhaps Mom is right that I'm forgiving of everybody else without being forgiving of myself. And perhaps this is just what the next 6 weeks will be like. Almost 5 weeks. Patience.