Here it Comes Again...

This familiar feeling. The "I'm done with that," feeling.

My feeling rotates with this one - I remember going through it with him a year ago. He was fascinating and fun and all sorts of things until he wasn't, all of a sudden. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I was vaguely annoyed and did not trust it or thought there was no validity. I have been pushed too far, somehow.

And while it is nice to know that he will understand; or accept it, or whathaveyou... it is still a very disconcerting feeling. Perhaps I got wrapped up in all this, and (certainly) I jumped the gun - just a week ago I thought I had a crush. How did I jump to having a boyfriend who comes to parties and whatnot?

I suppose it is good to be reminded that we never grow out of this, of the feeling. I was never certain to begin with. It hasn't been certain here.


Here's another possibility: I'm integrating all the events that have transpired, and after last night and a strangely unfulfilling sexual experience... Maybe that's just a great big clue to me. I am, of course, concerned it was predetermined, based on my own fear of becoming my mother.

But the fear, of course, is that no matter what I do I will be her. Maybe that's true. How horrible would it be, really?

Ah ha!

I get it. I finally get it.

This feeling that happens every time I get involved is the feeling of getting involved too quickly; being roped into something before I am sure of it. It's taken me this long to figure it out.

I have that familiar feeling with P-. The "uh oh" feeling, the "what am I doing here?" feeling. The "get out as fast as you can" feeling. It's all related to jumping into something too quickly. My instinct says "this is going to fast, and you don't know what's happening."

We'll see if it's possible to go backwards. Shall be interesting.

In hindsight, I miss Gatsby terribly.