A Love Letter

Dear Kung-Fu-Boy/Martial Arts Instructor,

I'm sorry. And I miss you.

In a way, that's all I have to say. I think you know all the things that are behind the sentiment.

I have thought for hours about the things you said to me, in anger, out of pain, but also out of some level of understanding of me and the world in general.

I am still torn about the notion of "appreciating the things you have" vs. "comparing them to hopes and dreams." I guess, in the end, I think its possible to do both. I sought out yoga in my life to appreciate the little moments; to be more present. That part of me has always been around, but will always need cultivation.

When it comes to lovers, I have a history of getting involved with my fantasy of them and then being disappointed in their reality. I am tragically aware that I do this. But I've spent years knowing that I did it, and making myself painfully aware when I did it. I struggle to keep my eyes wide open and see people for who they are; and consequently to Love Them for who they are.

I doubted it for a minute, but have now had too many people who have known me for decades, some of them intimately; that having expectations is ok. And beyond that, my expectations are realistic. I'm not sure where the line for you is between "settling" and "appreciating what you have." But I do see where my "falling in love with a fantasy" would look like constantly judging and evaluating.

There are so many things that I like and love about you. There are a handful of things that annoyed me or turned me off. None of those things are what led to me leaving. It was an absence of something that is genuinely important to me. And perhaps it is deeply rooted in my own search for self-love and self-knowledge; perhaps I do divorce love and sex the way you say. But WHY I do it doesn't matter. I have found peace and comfort and love in sex before, and sex in peace and comfort and love.

I believe there are a number of things that draw people to one another; and they often are inextricably related. The joy of each person on earth is that your connection to them will be totally unique, like having 100 different levels on 3000 channels of a sound board -- the experience of each person will be totally different.

I am terrified, as you may know, that I am the only one standing between myself and happiness. You pushed that button in a huge way.

But here's what you don't know, maybe, about me: I am happy. I have happiness. I have fulfillment. I also have sadness. And jealousy. And anger. And confusion. I have all of them all the time.

Know that I will continue to look at all of this, and hope we will find a common place to love each other in our own way. And in the meanwhile, in this quiet window; I will miss our closeness. I will miss my confidante. I will miss someone who can protect me in a way no one else has been able. I will miss getting to love you.

Happy Friday the 13th. And Happy Valentine's Day.