you + me = same person

I just realized why I have to keep Kenny.

I DO, in fact, see myself in him. It's scary. It's terrifying. It makes me face my own challenges - my own addiction. I can't give him any advice I won't take myself.


I broke the rule today. I gave him the link to the blog. So, hi Kenny. If you come back again, that is. I broke the rule for you. It was probably stupid, and certainly selfish. But you'll learn that about me - I am ultimately very selfish.


But by breaking the rule, I got a clue. He sent me his blog. (Awww, aren't we sweet? Just like trading diaries with sweet S- in sixth grade. Aw.)

This is the important thing I learned, from one simple entry: we both are tragically narcissistic and think we alone have control of everything - of other people, of ourselves, of the world.

He thought he could control a student. He thought if he gave her enough, was a perfect teacher, went out of his way, focused on her -- that she could change. He thought that his will alone would fix it. That he had control.

His own parallel: a poker game. I won't begin to admit that I understood all his card shark lingo, but I got the gist: He's got a 90% chance of his cards being the best ones at the table; pair of 5s. Cards hit the table: 2 5 8. He played accordingly. He's got three of a kind, right? But someone else at the table had equal odds: except his opponent had a pair of 8s. He had gone all in.


So. Here I am. With all this. With him. With life. With work. I go all in, thinking I am enough to win. That if I just play right, if I play just right - that I'll win.

I expect to be able to win, no matter the hand dealt. That if I say to him exactly the right way, exactly what he needs to hear, at exactly the right moment -- he will get help. He will be ok.

Ready for the worst part? That THEN he might be It.

I see 90% and think if I just Work Hard Enough, it'll be 100%. That my will and merit will override pure chance. This is the ultimate spoil of the American Dream. That's not a new thought, for sure. And the If I Am Just Good Enough thought... yeah, that's not new either. Neither is seeing what I want instead of what is there.


So none of this is new. So why does it all feel a little bit like a revelation? Because I've never seen it, quite like this, in another person. By seeing it in someone else, I might be able to see it in myself. Really see it.

Because I definitely haven't been able to see it on my own.


Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse not to let him go.