Class

It's been a long couple weeks. Clearly.

I went back to yoga today. My favorite amazing teacher was back.

He is not what you would expect. If you saw him walking down the street you'd think... long-haired, hippie who needs a shower. Maybe not the shower part. He's not "built." And yet he makes every pose look as effortless as a stroll on the beach. He has a sense of humor about everything, and this kind of forgiving tone of voice that reminds you: slow down. Stay on the 50 year plan. It's called a "practice" for a reason.

And he's all woo-woo of course, so if you don't like woo-woo, just skip to the end or something.

There is a theme every month at this studio. Latest theme: the power of the story. He integrated some Celtic mythology and stories today.. which was nice. Instead of setting a usual "intention," he invited us to offer a blessing. To ourselves.

"May I release my need to control. May I love everything as it is, and may I love everyone exactly as they are."


And it was a tough class. Apparently my back is a wreck. Poses that usually I can do with no effort - Warrior 3 to Half Moon, for example - sent me into a tail spin. Standing from balances left me lightheated. There was one moment I almost thought I might throw up. THAT is not normal. Dizziness, retiring to child... those are not unusual. But three or four times during a class... that is unusual.

But I kept just repeating that blessing. May I release the need to control. May I love this body right where it is. That also meant finding my edge in poses I have feared... Resting in a pose of discomfort - at the moment of challenge - not pushing past it or backing off. Just getting to that point of growth and sitting in it. Witnessing it.

I have been trying to get there with my feelings for days - not trying to change them, not trying to fix it. But simply witnessing them - recognizing them. Letting them live in here with me for a while.


By the time we got to backbends at the end of class, I knew better than to go into full wheel. My back sent the message. I was just gonna love it, and witness it.

And then in Savasana... tears. Genuine weeping. My heart is broken.

But more than that -- I loved myself, right there. Just as I was. For being unable to fix it. For having a heart so big it should be locked away. Just let go of controlling any of it, and loved myself.

I got out of the studio as quick as possible, not quite sure what would come next.


I have been left with a few thoughts, of late. The first is a collage I found ages ago:


The second is my favorite Storypeople. The text:

"He told me one time he forgot himself & his heart opened up like a door with a loose latch & he tried for days to put it all back in proper order but finally he gave up & left it all jumbled up there in a pile & loved everything equally."


Here's to loving it all equally.

Charity

It's tough.

This whole man-woman thing.

I had my first Really Good hour in about a week tonight. I had a great meeting with a bunch of young folks doing good things. They're young enough to have hope, and work hard, and old enough to get frustrated. It's the learning thing that's so good.

And I left reminded of why I love what I do. Getting to introduce people, make connections, help make things better. Help them.

I got out of the meeting and had missed texts and calls and voicemails... including one from my favorite two year old. All of it made me smile.

And yet.


There was no one for me to call and tell about this wonderful meeting. Just like there was no one on Monday to just be there. I have great friends, and loving family, but everyone is appropriately focused on their own thing.

I wanted to call Kenny. And I knew then that what I had been doing was right. I told myself two days ago that I needed some time, some distance from that for it all to settle. I have put as much energy in as I can, for now - and it seems I have run out of energy for myself.

That's the rub, really. Even now, I get a call from oldest friend N-, who has finally left her boyfriend. She needs a lot right now, and I simply haven't much to give. I took a little from her, which, in a way, is new for me. It was good.


In the end, what do I do? You guessed right. Call Kenny. And again, it's good to be reassured: he has absolutely nothing to give right now either. And without realizing what he was saying, he confirmed for me everything I was thinking. "Women know what they're doing, because they're women."

"Yes, but we want to believe that we're wrong," I said.

So I know, I see it. The Right thing to do is step away. From a lot of this. To be enough for myself, right now. Only for myself. It is hard to do when you draw your own worth from what you can give other people ("you only have as much as you can give away," right?)

But right now, I haven't got much to give away.