Class

It's been a long couple weeks. Clearly.

I went back to yoga today. My favorite amazing teacher was back.

He is not what you would expect. If you saw him walking down the street you'd think... long-haired, hippie who needs a shower. Maybe not the shower part. He's not "built." And yet he makes every pose look as effortless as a stroll on the beach. He has a sense of humor about everything, and this kind of forgiving tone of voice that reminds you: slow down. Stay on the 50 year plan. It's called a "practice" for a reason.

And he's all woo-woo of course, so if you don't like woo-woo, just skip to the end or something.

There is a theme every month at this studio. Latest theme: the power of the story. He integrated some Celtic mythology and stories today.. which was nice. Instead of setting a usual "intention," he invited us to offer a blessing. To ourselves.

"May I release my need to control. May I love everything as it is, and may I love everyone exactly as they are."


And it was a tough class. Apparently my back is a wreck. Poses that usually I can do with no effort - Warrior 3 to Half Moon, for example - sent me into a tail spin. Standing from balances left me lightheated. There was one moment I almost thought I might throw up. THAT is not normal. Dizziness, retiring to child... those are not unusual. But three or four times during a class... that is unusual.

But I kept just repeating that blessing. May I release the need to control. May I love this body right where it is. That also meant finding my edge in poses I have feared... Resting in a pose of discomfort - at the moment of challenge - not pushing past it or backing off. Just getting to that point of growth and sitting in it. Witnessing it.

I have been trying to get there with my feelings for days - not trying to change them, not trying to fix it. But simply witnessing them - recognizing them. Letting them live in here with me for a while.


By the time we got to backbends at the end of class, I knew better than to go into full wheel. My back sent the message. I was just gonna love it, and witness it.

And then in Savasana... tears. Genuine weeping. My heart is broken.

But more than that -- I loved myself, right there. Just as I was. For being unable to fix it. For having a heart so big it should be locked away. Just let go of controlling any of it, and loved myself.

I got out of the studio as quick as possible, not quite sure what would come next.


I have been left with a few thoughts, of late. The first is a collage I found ages ago:


The second is my favorite Storypeople. The text:

"He told me one time he forgot himself & his heart opened up like a door with a loose latch & he tried for days to put it all back in proper order but finally he gave up & left it all jumbled up there in a pile & loved everything equally."


Here's to loving it all equally.