Charity

It's tough.

This whole man-woman thing.

I had my first Really Good hour in about a week tonight. I had a great meeting with a bunch of young folks doing good things. They're young enough to have hope, and work hard, and old enough to get frustrated. It's the learning thing that's so good.

And I left reminded of why I love what I do. Getting to introduce people, make connections, help make things better. Help them.

I got out of the meeting and had missed texts and calls and voicemails... including one from my favorite two year old. All of it made me smile.

And yet.


There was no one for me to call and tell about this wonderful meeting. Just like there was no one on Monday to just be there. I have great friends, and loving family, but everyone is appropriately focused on their own thing.

I wanted to call Kenny. And I knew then that what I had been doing was right. I told myself two days ago that I needed some time, some distance from that for it all to settle. I have put as much energy in as I can, for now - and it seems I have run out of energy for myself.

That's the rub, really. Even now, I get a call from oldest friend N-, who has finally left her boyfriend. She needs a lot right now, and I simply haven't much to give. I took a little from her, which, in a way, is new for me. It was good.


In the end, what do I do? You guessed right. Call Kenny. And again, it's good to be reassured: he has absolutely nothing to give right now either. And without realizing what he was saying, he confirmed for me everything I was thinking. "Women know what they're doing, because they're women."

"Yes, but we want to believe that we're wrong," I said.

So I know, I see it. The Right thing to do is step away. From a lot of this. To be enough for myself, right now. Only for myself. It is hard to do when you draw your own worth from what you can give other people ("you only have as much as you can give away," right?)

But right now, I haven't got much to give away.